CHRISTINA’S LAMENT is a hilariously bad song by Mrs Walter Creyke, the pen name of one Diane Chasseresse who seems to be best known for her 1890 publication Sporting Sketches. The lyrics were penned in 1909 to be sung to the tune of Dvořák’s Humoresque, Op.101 No.7. But we must be grateful to her, for it inspired Anon. to one of the parodist’s greatest achievements.

 Donald came across the heather,
Shook the raindrops from the feather
In his bonnet blue, his bonnet blue;
Came to meet me, came to greet me
In the tempest, in the sunshine,
For he loved me, loved me trye.
 
Oh! My laddie,
Why did ye leave me,
Why did ye die, my lad?
Come back, my darling,
Come back to love me,
For my heart is sad.
 
When the snow was on the mountain,
When the ice was o’er the fountain,
Donald came nor more across the glen,
Though I seem to see him coming,
Hear his footstep in the gloaming,
Feel his heart beat on my heart again.

These famous verses by Anon. (below) are sung to the same tune but without using the middle eight, as Mrs. Creyke does.

Gentlemen should please refrain
From using toilets while the train
Is standing in the station. I love you.
We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station,
Moonlight always makes me think of you.

 Or:

Gentlemen should please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing here at platform number two.
Workers working underneath
Are apt to get it in the teeth.
They wouldn’t like it, nor I think would you.

 Gentlemen please be discreet –
Be sure to lift the toilet seat:
The rocking train may make you miss the pan.
Ladies who might follow on
Will get it on their sit-upon
‘Cos they can’t stand and wee-wee like a man.

Piddling while the train is moving
Is another way of proving
That control of eye and hand is sure.
We like our toilets to be neat,
So please don’t pee upon the seat,
Or, even worse, excrete upon the floor.

 If the Ladies’ Room be taken,
Do not feel the least forsaken,
Never show the sign of sad defeat.
Try the Gents across the hall,
And if some man has felt the call
He’ll courteously relinquish you his seat.

 Honeymooners in the carriage
Do not consummate your marriage
While the train is standing here at Crewe.
To perform your natural function
Kindly wait till Clapham Junction
Where there’s really nothing else to do.

 If you simply have to go
When other people are too slow,
There is only one thing you can do.
You’ll just have to take a chance,
Be brave and do it in your pants,
But I’ll forgive you, darling, I love you.

 Alternative verses:

Gentlemen should please refrain
From urinating while the train
Is standing in the station for a while.
We encourage contemplation
While the train is in the station,
Cross your legs and grit your teeth and smile.

 If you wish to pass some water
You should sing out for a porter
Who will place a basin in the bog;
Tramps and hoboes underneath
Get it in the eye and teeth,
But that’s what comes from being underdog.

 Or:

Ladies wishing to pass water
Kindly ask a passing porter
For a vessel in the vestibule.
We encourage constipation
When the train is in the station.
‘Wait till we’re in motion’ is our rule.

If this method is in vain,
You may break a window pane.
This novel method’s used by very few.
Tramps and hobos underneath
May catch it in the nose and teeth.
And they may bite off more than they can chew.

Or:

If these efforts are in vain,
Then simply break the window pane.
This novel method’s used by very few,
We go strolling through the park,
A-goosing statues in the dark
If Peter Pan can take it, why can’t you?

Abandoning his instructions to the toileteers, the statue-gooser celebrates his other pastime, sung to the same tune and using Dvořák’s middle eight:

I love to go out after dark
And goose the statues in the park,
A lovely pastime at the close of day!
Unperturbed they stand so still,
While WHOOPS! it’s me that gets the thrill.
It really is a lovely way to play.