OH DEAR! WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?

Trad. Nursery Rhyme (1780s)

O dear, what can the matter be?
O dear, what can the matter be?
O dear, what can the matter be?
Johnny’s so long at the fair.

He promised he’d bring me a bunch of blue ribbons.
He promised he’d bring me a bunch of blue ribbons.
He promised he’d bring me a bunch of blue ribbons.
To tie up my bonny brown hair.

 

 

OH DEAR! WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?

Anon.

 

Oh dear! What can the matter be?

Seven old ladies got locked in a lavatory.

They were there from Monday to Saturday.

Nobody knew they were there.

 

The first was a lady named Eleanor Humphrey.

Who sat herself down just to make herself comfy.

And when she got up she could not get her bum free.

And nobody knew she was there.

 

The next to come in was dear Mrs. Mason.

The stalls were all full so she pissed in the basin

And that is the water that I washed my face in

And nobody knew she was there.

 

The third lady’s name was Amelia Garpickle.

Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle –

She hurdled the door: she’d forgotten her nickel,

And nobody knew she was there.

 

The forth to come in was Elizabeth Bender

Who went in there just to repair a suspender.

The thing had got caught in her feminine gender

And nobody knew she was there.

 

The fifth to come in, it was old Mrs. Draper.

She sat down and then found that there was no paper.

She had to clean up with a plasterer’s scraper

And nobody knew she was there.

 

 The sixth lady’s name it was Emily Clancy;

She went ’cause something had tickled her fancy,

But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy

And nobody knew she was there.

 

The seventh was the Bishop of Chichester’s daughter.

She went in to pass some superfluous water

She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her

And nobody knew she was there.

 

 Alternative verses:

The first lady’s name was Elizabeth Porter.
She was the Deacon of Dorchester’s daughter.
She went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.

The second old lady was Abigail Splatter.
She went there ’cause something was surely the matter.
But when she got there, it was only her bladder,
And nobody knew she was there.